i have read and heard about the loneliness of healing and now i am experiencing it. over the weekend i met up with my college friends for a mini unofficial 25-year reunion. the first day was lovely … until it devolved into heavy drinking, which made me uncomfortable and led to me withdrawing and going to bed “early.”
on the second day, i carved out alone time first thing in the morning to center myself, do yoga, meditate and reflect before we gathered as a group again. once again, things were nice initially but as the day progressed, our shared activities devolved into binge drinking and shopping. i was able to remain present and enjoy myself to a degree, but i was also lonely.
watching my friend knock back 2 wines and 5 cocktails in the span of 3 hours made me want to run off and take a shower. i was guzzling sympathy water and praying it would end soon so i could get out of the bar and the inane drunken conversations that aren’t that funny when you are not wasted.
but once we left the bar, the excess consumption shifted to SHOPPING. walking down a tony lake town street casually dropping hundreds of dollars on expensive yet unremarkable items is not something that i do on my own. i do not have a lot of money at this moment of my life, and i would not do so even if i did. because those things have no meaning to me.
my struggle now is that i don’t want to be judgemental, and yet i feel i am judging. it is confusing. i have a strange hankering to make new friends who are sober and who are artists. fortunately, i was able to share all of this with my husband and felt incredible relief upon sharing my truth. i even shared it with my mother … we have not been that close for most of my life but i am beginning to open up more because i know i can set the tone for how i want things to be between us. she also knows my friends and understands the trauma that i experienced when my father’s alcoholism sent our lives off the rails.
RECOVERY. it’s a relief to know there is another way and that i have a supportive network that i have built and chosen for myself as a healed / healing adult. and i don’t have to banish, judge or relinquish my old friends … i can just continue to keep those friends and relationships at an arm’s length as long as i feel i need to. it feels good.
#Alanon #Recovery #Healing #Friendship #Growth #Change