i choose liberation, and it is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. it can be so scary to do things differently, especially when our old patterns are calcified. we feel like we will snap if we try to open up to alternative approaches. it is PAINFUL! until we heal ourselves, whether we are aware of it or not, we are habitually pulled back to our original childhood wounds and the behaviors we relied on to survive.
therapy helps. yoga helps. journaling helps. gratitude practice helps. time in nature and meditation helps. i am committed to my own healing. i love and approve of myself – without this key element, no other change is possible.
some of the patterns I am working hard to change are people pleasing, perfectionism, and judging myself and others harshly. i spent most of my life desperately attached to my own tastes, preferences, and judgments, and as a result, I kept myself small and closed myself off to other perspectives, opportunities, love, and support.
I’m in a different place now and am learning to let go of judgments, attachments, and relationships that do not support me, my growth, and my well-being. I’m proud of myself. it is exhausting and hard, hard work. my anxiety and PTSD are not giving up without a daily fight. the surge of cortisol, the feeling of terror, and the fear that I am failing, and my failure will hurt my husband and children not only emotionally but also materially. but i do not surrender. i do not give up. i reject the pull downward, the path of denial, spite and repression that i embraced in the past, as modeled by my parents.
i chose expansion, safety and a regulated nervous system from which i can best interact with myself and others.