A new thing, a new approach for me is Taking It Easy. Relinquishing control and perfectionism. Little me stayed up all hours perfecting her diorama. She cried when she got even a single problem wrong on her math practice.
No one showed me another way. In fact, I remember trying to hide my emotions and anxiety because my parents were tired of receiving reports about me crying at school. I would go to the restroom and wash my face and try to de-puff my eyes before going home for lunch at my grandma’s house.
Little me thought she had to be perfect to be loved, and that evidence of my imperfections and emotions would not be tolerated. I was ashamed.
That carried through to my early relationships. By the grace of the universe I found people who loved and accepted the whole of me, including all those messy broken parts I could not show to my family.
But in my career, I relived my childhood traumas, trying to please and win the approval of distant, repressed, narcissistic executives. I was the golden girl, the rising star, the trusted solid citizen who sublimated my own wishes and desires to serve the whims of a fickle corporate machinery.
So now, I’m taking it easy. And I’m doing what I want. And not taking shit from anyone. Better late than never, right? Part of taking it easy, for me, is not overthinking and not over preparing. That’s not something I’m used to.
In the past I’d forego sleep, exercise, reading, and peace of mind to prioritize other people’s shit. Once I had to start making the same sacrifices for my own family, it made me realize, something’s got to give. I’m one woman. A cool woman, a mighty woman, but definitely just one woman and my time on this planet is but a blip.
I want to enjoy it.
Healing in Plain Sight 