doris

i’ve been in a life transition for a few years and have struggled to get over the hump. i have found myself repeatedly going back to the old, despite knowing it’s time to release it and move forward.

earlier this week i met with an energy healer who did a “soul DNA” scan. i was and still am skeptical. yet I also know that i tend to find people and experiences that enrich me by keeping my heart open. rarely am i “ready” for the most wonderful things that come into my life … i find them by picking up what the universe is putting down, even when i can’t understand it intellectually or describe it in words.

right now i am feeling ready to look forward and move forward. i am willing to release the old ways of thinking and doing, knowing that they will always be there in the shadows, but that they don’t need to rule me.

today i gave my anxiety a new name … her name is DORIS! lol. i find it funny because my old great aunt marion’s best friend was named doris. she was a true character, and she never gave up. such a tough broad. if she were a cartoon, she’d be maxine. doris is the feeling that arises in my body at some point in almost every day where i feel the uncertainty of who i am and what i am supposed to be doing. sometimes she manifests when i am right in the middle of something … even things i love and am generally secure about.

when it’s really bad, i picture a squid shooting ink under duress. i can picture the anxious energy coursing through my gut. i used to call it THE PIT, but i heretofore shall refer to it/her as Doris. Doris is will not be denied. She will not be overlooked or dismissed. Doris needs me to say, “Yes, Doris, you are here. I see you and you are an important part of me.” Which is true. She was/is the coping mechanism I developed as a child to protect myself from emotional neglect. She urged me to feel other peoples’ feelings instead of my own and to try to control their responses to me by people pleasing and striving for perfection.

i release it, like doris releases her ink when she feels a threat coming on. Doris has seen a lot of shit. she’s tough and fierce, but she needs to keep swimming and let the ink dissipate when the threat has passed instead of hanging out in the same old dangerous spots.

By col

I'm a peaceful warrior, mom, nerd, & animal fan.

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