alone for the holidays

A lot of my dear ones and beloveds are uncoupled, whether by choice or by circumstance. I empathize with the loneliness that some single individuals feel in a society that tells us we must be coupled to be happy, content, and complete. It’s not true for everyone. Some single folks are content and find their happiness outside the realm of intimate partnerships.

Love and connection are basic human needs. Many of us go unfulfilled because we cannot find compatible partners. Despite all the dating apps and the facade of social connection depicted on social media, many of us are isolated and discontent. Loneliness can sometimes feel insurmountable.  

I was an uncoupled loner for most of my life until I met my husband at age 37. A decade later, I understand that intimate relationships do not solve ALL our problems, but they DO provide a baseline sustenance of daily human interaction which should not be taken for granted. 

Parenthood and family life kick it up a notch to where you are not only never alone, but you spend most of your waking hours catering to the needs and desires of others. The external focus gives you something to occupy your mind and your time. However, children grow and move on, so this is only a temporary solution.

There are many ways of filling that need for human connection: family, friends, work, and community. But true intimacy – being seen, heard, valued, and touched by another – isn’t so easy to achieve.  Alone, at night, or after days on end spent in solitude, one can despair. Truly I don’t know how one can break out of circumstances that limit the conditions for finding mutuality and intimacy, but here are a few things I believe to be true:

1- We cannot be happy and fulfilled with another if we cannot be happy and fulfilled in ourselves. 

2- Focusing on lack magnifies lack. Focusing on love and abundance attracts love and abundance. 

3- Real love and connection require effort, sacrifice, and the willingness to relinquish, sublimate and transmute the self. 

My wish is for all of my beloveds who desire it and all others who seek partnership to find it. First and foremost we must believe we deserve love and give ourselves permission to be happy. If we believe we are unworthy of love, mutuality, and respect, we are right. Bruce Lee said “you will never get any more out of life than you expect,” and James Baldwin similarly stated: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you [because] if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble.” 

May all beings be happy and free.

By col

I'm a peaceful warrior, mom, nerd, & animal fan.

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