2022 Reflections

What have you outgrown? What can you let go of that is holding you back?

I have outgrown the “fawn” trauma response. I am so done with that. I have outgrown playing small and pretending I don’t want more. I have outgrown taking shit from people and being a dumping ground for others’ negativity and emotional problems. I have outgrown overpreparing and perfectionism.  I have outgrown saying yes when I want to say no. I have outgrown ruminating without noticing. I have outgrown survival living. I have outgrown believing I personally have to do everything. I have outgrown grasping and trying so hard. I can let go of self doubt. I can let go of resentment. I can let go of my scarcity mentality and feelings of worthlessness and realize that those are not even mine – they are holdovers from my parents, grandparents and other ancestors.I can let go of my stubbornness, judgment and need to be right and surrender to the moment and where I am right now. 
How can you make space in your life for a whole new chapter?

I can make space for a whole new chapter by admitting that I want more and asking for it. I can let go of the notion that the conditions must be perfect to get started. I can make space by having FAITH in myself and the grace of the universe. I can trust that beautiful things happen and I don’t need to do anything – they happen naturally when I loosen up and ask for help. I can make space in my life for a whole new chapter by looking at the big picture and where I wish to be on 12/24/2032. What do I want to be doing, and how do I want my life to look? Focus on the big picture, my desires and aspirations and that will be my north star. I can release my tight grasp on the current next step and allow myself to be drawn by my own heart vision. My own heart vision helped me meet my husband and become a mother. This time ten years ago I had not met him. I was extremely unhappy in my career working for an abusive boss in a toxic industry. I was lonely as hell, and worried about my biological clock running out. What I did back then was SURRENDER. I said to myself: I know I will be a mother one way or another – perhaps not in the traditional biological sense, so let’s just see how it unfolds. Goddess, show me the way. I can’t do it myself anymore – the dating apps, the wrangling, contorting, controlling … the unsatisfying relationships that invariably dead-end due to incompatible desires. In a sense I GAVE UP. I said to myself: “Self, maybe you are destined to be a super aunt and dog & cat mom and not a traditional biological human mother. It’s OK. Whatever is meant to be will be.” And then a wonderful man appeared. So much about it seemed impractical – he and his two small children lived across the country. How would this ever work? But I kept an open and curious heart and so did he. 
The lesson I take from this is to be open to possibility and to have faith. To trust that as Rumi said, “What you seek is seeking you.” 

My heart vision for 2033:

I am healthy and well as are my dear ones. I live in a warm and inviting home with room to welcome guests, entertain, and for myself and my loved ones to have space for creative pursuits. I am a published author, a teacher, and a public speaker bringing peace, calm, fun, knowledge, and inspiration to the world. I live a creative life and I regularly express myself in different ways and am constantly learning new things and meeting new people. I travel the world and learn more about humanity. I move with ease, authenticity, and grace. 

By col

I'm a peaceful warrior, mom, nerd, & animal fan.

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