non reactivity

is what i am working on. mostly struggling with – but at least i am aware.

“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.” ― Pema Chödrön

pema’s right. we are born on earth and our humanity is our teacher. but we don’t want to be taught. we want to be the sky, without learning … or in most people’s cases (self, included) UNLEARNING.

unlearning the conformist nonsense we were told to keep us in line since birth. i’m like a broken record with this, but how many times as a child was i forced to say, “oh lord i’m not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.”

it’s super fucked.

i’m a woman now, responsible for my own consciousness and working on quieting my neurotic mind that spins tales of doubt, doom and fear all day every day.

it is so unkind. and i know it’s not even mine. i know much of it came from my parents and their parents and their parents and all the sadness and grief and hardship they experienced. i can release it – but it takes work.

taking steps toward a new kind of life feels good. i keep working on new things, trying new things and allowing myself to be seen. learning to work and live without constantly evaluating and judging myself harshly is new. hopefully it will get easier.

i’m planning to live another 47 years or so and i figure may as well lay the foundations now. time’s a wastin, and my future self will thank me.